Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
