She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
