I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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