my soul wont recognize me after tonight
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
