I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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