The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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