you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
