Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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