dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
