I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
