I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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