I want to have your abortion
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
