I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
