You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
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rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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