so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
