you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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