I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
