apparently the secret to your success is patron
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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