Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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