I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
