I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
