this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
