that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Randomize
