so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
