I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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