someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
