stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
