Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
