Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
