im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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