Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
