Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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