thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
