Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So vagazzling was a success
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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