I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Randomize
