im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
