Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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