you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
