My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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