I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
