Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Dignity is for republicans.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
