My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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