what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
