I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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