He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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