next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
