I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
