My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
