I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
