I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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