pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
