the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
