Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
