i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
