He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
