I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
