I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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