I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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